Seeking God: amidst a broken heart and beyond rock concert worship

Contemplation

 

“We are at our best when we are broken, because that is when His light goes through the cracks”

 

A broken heart in this generation equates to a lot of “hugot” moments from ADELE’s soul breaking songs or Juan Miguel Severo’s tear jerking poem pieces. In this  internet generation, where evolution has been counted by seconds and 1000k likes, a broken heart can be somewhat comical, relatable and sadly just another post in to the social media portals.

Living in this era, as a 24 year old lady and healing a broken heart can be difficult. There were a lot of distractions that promises happiness, entertainment but never healing.

My  broken heart is due to my broken soul not because a boyfriend broke up with me, but I broke up and give up with myself. I always thought I was a happy person having this relationship with God. It was euphoric, I was so hyped about loving God. Every worship was fireworks display in my heart. I told myself, this is where I belong to God and God alone, but at that time I never know that this journey will never be easy.

The toll of my new work has messed up my mind, I did try to cope up with the pressure, but somehow it was over bearing. As months pass by I saw myself working too hard, even forgetting my commitment and relationship to Him. I tried to hold on, hoping that the rain would not last. I saved a lot of picture quotes in my phone so that I would be reminded everyday. I wish I could tell you I did, but in all honesty, I did not.

I gave up with piling reasons, I do believe that was the right thing to do because I was becoming worst and  I was  highly critical about myself.  have this long time notion that if I am successful, people will love me more and if I am a failure I am just ordinary, and ordinary was never an option. This thinking came way back when I was still young, maybe because I was the youngest and attention was a way of life and maybe because my mother pushed us to always earn gold medals every school year. It was her pride and honor to see another gold medal and award being kept in a “Lion Tiger katol box”. Her happiness and pride although harmless, encouraged my thinking that I will be loved more if I excel more. I love my mother to bits, but I understand now that they are not perfect, somehow not everything they say, maybe good for your personality.

My decision to resign was for me at that moment was the right thing to do, but my critical thinking annihilated me completely. I was questioning everything, my life , my laurels, was it run by a twist of luck that ran out? Was I even worthy? What would people say?

 

What would people say??

I thought I won over my people pleaser attitude because of my renewed faith and deeper relationship with God, I did not. Somehow in the process of getting to know Jesus, pride crept in that was supported by some of my kept twisted perception, being a people pleaser included. Prejudice to the brothers who are not in a community and the feeling of superiority in having a community. My growing pride was  like a Baobabs tree in the novel Little Prince, that if not spotted and weeded, its roots will destroy the Little Prince’s planet. Although the pride and prejudice would just run around my mind, I have not sorted out what was the healthy pride and the excessive ones, like how a young baobab tree be looking so similar as the rose bushes.

It that moment I just wish that God would crack our house ceiling and an angel would descend from heaven with a scroll, scented, and would tell me what to do. It never happened, and  I cannot understand why I have felt the isolation from the answers to my problems when I have this relationship with God. I started doubting Him, His promises and love. In my mind, I was asking myself, why is HE silent right now!! I was growing impatient and weary, eventually my love tank was empty. The ordeal was painful, long and very slow. But every storm no matter how strong would end. Hope started to rise as I said yes to a retreat invitation (finally it was like a message from heaven, minus the angel and the scented scroll I have in my mind), the Love Life Retreat. Something inside me was awaken. In those dark moments, I was selfish. I focused so much on the bad things, I forgot to smell the flowers on the side of the road, I forgot how to smile even to the silliest things and I forgot to be grateful to my family as they understand and would comfort me when times became so unbearable, or I become unbearable.

As I continue my healing process I stumble and found great solace in contemporary  Christian songs such as Oceans, Prince of Peace, Heaven Knows, Even if, The Cause of Christ and many more. I never thought the lyrics of these songs would speak my sorrows and trials. Before, I appreciate this Christian music because of its hip appeal to y generation ,it was like attending in a rock concert minus the lewd lyrics, provocative dancers and smashing of guitars. As much as I like church music and its serenity, I believe Christian music should also have its variety, after all music was created by God.

Thus rock Christian music has been popular among young people, because it was different and in today’s description, it was cool. But there was something more, the message of the songs.

Who would ever believe that the rap part from a Christian song This is Living now would be so meaningful:

“…understand I am a man in the hands of great plans

I stand in faith in a life I never known or touched, it still outside my clutch…

This is living, the life I’ve been given is a gift, If I’m a live it I’m a live it to death”

 

Or the  lyrics from the Prince of Peace:

“Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war

When night screams terror there Your voice will roar…

When fear comes knocking there You be my guide

When day breeds trouble there You hold my heart”

 

These lyrics connect me directly to God. How I was so caught up with my struggles that I did not see the little miracles He gave me, like a place to sleep when I was out of town, or a comfortable trip back home from my work or that calm sea when I need to travel by boat. These songs have been playing in my phone for a hundred times, and everytime I listen, it still hits me like the first time. Joel Houston was right, God created music for the sole purpose to connect the human heart, our soul with heaven.

 

As per writing, my life has passed a great storm and I am now rebuilding my identity and faith. Although sometimes the struggles would still haunt me, I am able now to hold my grip. I realized now that God used my struggle for me to learn HUMILITY. A trip back home, a 24 hour work and a lot of heart ache was my ticket to learn and learn it hard. I know along the way, there will still be oceans and mountains to conquer. To be honest I still cannot understand His ways, maybe because if I do, He would not be God to me. God was supposed to be mysterious because His ways are not ours. After everything, believe me I am still clueless of where I would be. I am still a wanderer, in a lifetime journey like everyone else. But as I journey, I will rest in His love and plans. Ultimately I know I will see my horizon through His love.

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