It took me a while to write something about this.
“About this” happened so fast and lasted too long
A man lasted too long occupied my unwilling mind for years. It was exhausting but a part of me wants to keep him and a part of me had put him on a pedestal. There was a man in my love pedestal.
Chapter 1: Perceived( somehow childish) Love
All we need is love. That line has been used and abused for so many things in different places with different people and that includes me. I never really knew how and when I started noticing a man in that speech class. Slowly and almost like a lightning, I started noticing him more than a classmate. He was smart, kind and smiles a lot. He gives me the usual butterflies in the stomach. All the giddy things a girl would feel around her crush, name it I have it.
His presence was like a fire being lit in fireworks, colorful and quick. It didn’t always last. I thought even in that brief moment, even how crazy it was, it made me complete.
But there was always a certain yearning I feel. I can’t point my finger on it. Something lacking, as if my heart was hollow. As NBSB (yep no boyfriend since birth thing) girl, I thought the thing that I was lacking was romantic love. So a man + yearning = happy and full feeling! My life will be complete. I think
Chapter 2: Running
I was always running after him
Silently remembering places where we “were destined” (actually it was coincidence) to meet. I found myself visiting the Engineering department on every occasion. I walk to that direction, whether for a pee break, lunch break or just anything, just to get a glimpse of him. I was always, running after him. That man.
I would try to be a little bit more beautiful or successful because I thought maybe he will notice me in a way I have dreamed it. It was how I perceived people would love me if I was more.
But I was also running from him. Yes, from that man.
Naturally, he recognizes me because we were classmates, but every time he looks into my direction, I would look into another direction or anything that would require us to have eye contact or any facial movement, I would flee from the scene (classic dorky ways). No, it was not my style, I was just too scared to even talk to him, I was like a clam closing as danger approaches. In his defense he did not come as scary or jerk at all, even with the knowledge of my amorous feelings (Thanks to my friends and my actions!) for him, he was gracious and friendly (which I think is a pogi point)
Chapter 3: Bubble break
I know that this whole thing has its ending, I had to break it, well tried to.
And in the most unexpected moment, he walked towards me and talked to me.
I think my feet was 2 inches above the ground that day.
The conversation continued to Facebook and cellular messages. I was elated and he untimely stopped replying
I was confused and hurt, was there something wrong with me. Then it dawned on me, it was simple. He was not into me. That man in the pedestal.
It hurts how my insecurity increased and my self-esteem plummeted to the ground.
My mind was like “You would say no to me!!! It’s your loss! Hindi ka masyadong gwapo kuya! Wag ka! Wag ako! ” (you are not that handsome, don’t me, don’t me) – that was how my pride was coping -up with that. Rejection, may it be direct or not, would always hurt. That was when my bubble broke. I knew it was time to move on.
Chapter 4: Moving on…?
As I advanced in years and wisdom (charot!) I have become preoccupied with a lot of things
However, there was not a day that he would not visit my mind, my unwanted renter.
But I know things have changed now.
I know I moved on, but have I?
As the years have passed I have met people who inspired me to be wiser and braver
It was my own kind of maturity.
But after I saw him again, from afar like my college self, I frantically turn to another direction.
My heart was beating fast, sweating hands and walking frantically. Yes, I have moved on.
I have returned to my ways again, now more discreet than before. I have secretly orchestrated an innocent walk near to his office at a perfect and researched time. The place and time might change, but I was still the same me.
Chapter 5: Finding my True love
I found Him in the most unlikely time in my life.
He found me.
The time I have nothing, I was down, He said He loved me.
I was physically and mentally unattractive yet He was head over heels for me.
He was in love with me the very first moment He saw me.
That was really a nice distraction and displacement of feelings right. It would make that poor guy a rebound from something that has never been mine in the first place.
But He was not a rebound, He was not an ordinary guy.
He was my first love, my true love, my forever love.
He was the being that was supposed to be on that pedestal, not a man.
He was Jesus.
All that yearning and searching was because I was looking from the outside in where I should have been looking from inside out.
My soul all these years was longing for Jesus.
I belong to Him as He belongs to me, this was true love. The love I never knew existed, it overflows my heart and it changed me to become better.
Chapter 6: I am Loved
Today I am walking on my chapter 6. Leaving and breathing this chapter in my life.
My life did not become charmed after I breathe His word and follow (trying and most of the times failing) His actions. I did not wear God as an amulet around my neck to ward off evil things, evil feelings or problems. No, my life was still the same but I changed.
I cannot really understand His love.
How He can give me strength during my dark moments are still a mystery.
All I know is that God’s love is like that silver lining, the rainbow after the rain or that little candle in a pitch black night. It gives me HOPE.
I don’t need to define His love
But to live it.
As for the man on the pedestal. I have made peace with myself. I resigned to the fact that I can never forget him. I had to accept that everything happened for a reason, the fall, and the hurt. He would always be significant and would always be included in my journey. After all, he is my brother in Christ and I pray that “that man” will have a good life.
Maybe one day I can tell this to him personally, or maybe not. What matters to me now is my heart has been full by something divine. Something no man can ever give.
Always Only Jesus.